Tag Archive | why

I know not!

It’s time to rehash the last three months
When darkness fell upon my heart
When laughter did’t come easily anymore
When sorrow reigned and hope was gone

I see the light at the end of the tunnel now
My world is beginning to become colourful again
Shades of gray are replaced by yellow, red and green
Brightness is back, dreariness is gone!

And what was the purpose of this pain?
Why this suffering again and again?
The answers may elude me now
Perhaps I’ll know the reason why
Further down the road of life
The road where surprises hide
And answers are hard to come by

I felt like I was walking in a swamp
Every movement seemed so hard
Sometimes I wonder how I persisted
How I managed to smile from time to time

Writing, my joy in life left my side
Reading, my inspiration
Seemed laborious and hard
Joy left
Mental alertness left
I was surrounded by fog

I was not efficient
Not quick on my feet
I didn’t have any bright ideas worth sharing
But what choice did I have but to go on?
What Choice did I have…. none!

My friends were by my side
They’d throw me a line from time to time
Trying to keep me afloat a bit longer
As I struggled in the currents of life

It’s almost over
I’m almost there
And I’m thankful as can be
It’s a rebirth, another one
What is the wisdom?
I know not… I know not!

Lida Berghuis
May 22nd, 2015

Collage

Collage

Can’t pretend nothing happened
Can’t pretend it was easy
Can’t try to sweep it under the carpet
Can’t let it go without addressing it

And what was it this time?
Why again?
Why am I so fragile?

It was a marathon
A test of endurance
Putting one foot in front of the other
When pain, sorrow and anxiety
Was the order of the day

Everyone told me I would be fine
But in the meantime
I had to go through what seemed like
Unbearable times

I know I’m not the only one who suffers
I know I’m not unique
But I have to acknowledge what was
I have to come to terms with it
Understand it
Or at least be at peace with it

As I celebrate the return of light
I have to revisit the past
Arrange and rearrange the pieces
Until I’m satisfied
Until it’s ready to be a part of the collage of my life

If you wonder why!

You wonder why I laugh out loud
Why when I laugh, it’s from the depth of my heart
You wonder if I’m ever sad
You wonder of I ever feel down

I want you to know that I’ve also cried
Sometimes days on end and month after month
Sometimes I’ve cried so much
There were no more tears to cry

I want you to know that I’ve been down
Not once, not twice, but many times

I want you to know I’ve been on the edge of the abyss
Where I stood and wondered why I should not jump
I want you to know that I’ve known sadness, frustration, confusion and more

I laugh now because I know life can be tough
Challenges can assail us from every side
Surprises, pleasant and unpleasant are part of life

I laugh now because I have cried
And persevered long enough
To see the clouds part and the sun shine!

Lida Berghuis
September 6th, 2013

Why?

Nothing to say
No urgent thought
Yet my wish is to write
Why?

I’ve stopped asking that question
Not everything needs a reason
Not everything can be understood
Curiosity is good
But if time after time
The answer eludes me
I let it go

Somethings are not understood by the mind
Somethings need to be accepted by our hearts

Wishing to understand everything
Limits us
My understanding is limited
So, I open my heart!

Lida Berghuis
August 23rd, 2013

Beautifully flawed!

Why do I refuse to bandage an ankle that hurts?
Why do I refuse to acknowledge that it needs rest?
Why do I wish for the pain to go away on its own
Why don’t I listen to the signals my body sends?

Why do I forget so easily to rest?
Why do I forget that healing takes time?
Why haven’t I conquered the impatience in me?
But then again, why not?

We are all beautifully flawed!
We are slow to change
Slow to learn
And get set in our ways
I definitely do!
That doesn’t mean I’m not going to improve my ways
It means I’ll be gentle with myself when I make mistakes

The human condition requires that we err
Requires that we accept that we err
So, I acknowledge my mistakes
Don’t dwell on them too long
File them in my memory bank
And hope that I will remember next time

But somehow I have a feeling I may forget…
Learning is slow, it takes time!

Lida Berghuis
June 2nd, 2013