Tag Archive | anxiety

Whole again

When I can sit at the coffee shop by myself
And feel at peace
When creativity and the desire to write is back
When there is no trace of anxiety
When my feelings make sense again
When the fog I’ve been living in has dissipated

I can say I’m back to me
The me I know
The me I recognize
The me I’m happy to be
The me I was yearning for
The me that had escaped
And would not return despite my pleas…

Then I feel whole again

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Nov. 22nd, 2017

Why talk about it?

Why talk about it?
Because it needs to be talked about!
Why talk about it?
Because now, I can!
I’ve been silent in the past
Perpetuating the code of silence
But it’s easier to talk about it now
Having made peace with who I am

Why talk about it?
Because there are too many misconceptions out there
And silence perpetuates them!

Why talk about it?
To give others courage and permission to do the same!

Why talk about it?
To chip away at the stigma of depression and anxiety
These all too present chapters in our lives
That we rather skip, deny or forget!

Why talk about it?
Because anything that comes to light
Is not as scary as when it is lurking in the dark

Why talk about it?
So others know they are not alone
To let them know that there are answers out there
That there is light at the end of this tunnel of darkness!

Why talk about it?
So others know I understand their pain
Their suffering, their feeling of helplessness and hopelessness
I understand how much courage it takes
To keep going despite the constant pain!

Why talk about it?
Because it needs to be talked about
Because we need to break the code of silence
We need to speak out, so others can as well!

Lida Berghuis
November 4th, 2014

Collage

Collage

Can’t pretend nothing happened
Can’t pretend it was easy
Can’t try to sweep it under the carpet
Can’t let it go without addressing it

And what was it this time?
Why again?
Why am I so fragile?

It was a marathon
A test of endurance
Putting one foot in front of the other
When pain, sorrow and anxiety
Was the order of the day

Everyone told me I would be fine
But in the meantime
I had to go through what seemed like
Unbearable times

I know I’m not the only one who suffers
I know I’m not unique
But I have to acknowledge what was
I have to come to terms with it
Understand it
Or at least be at peace with it

As I celebrate the return of light
I have to revisit the past
Arrange and rearrange the pieces
Until I’m satisfied
Until it’s ready to be a part of the collage of my life

When the dam breaks…

It’s a dam built up of who knows what
But the dam keeps my emotions at bay
I try to ignore my anxiety
I try to ignore my pain
I try to ignore the hurt of the past
And the anxiety, hurt and pain
Has nowhere to go
It’s blocked!

But by the grace of God
The dam begins to crack
And the power of the hurt, pain and sorrow
Having increased,
They break the dam
And out flows the torrent of tears
And pent-up emotions

The rush of tears is uncontrollable
The pain arises from deep within
The emotions are so powerful
I don’t remember having sobbed like this
In anger!
In frustration!
In sorrow!

The pain is almost unbearable
The roar of the water so loud
But perhaps when all is said and done
I will let go of expectations
The sense of needing control
And the sense of being responsible
For other people’s lives

I’m back at the gates of humility of acceptance
And trust in God!

Lida Berghuis
March 3rd 2014

Genuine

You laugh like you have no care in the world!
You laugh like you have kicked your problems away
And you are free from their entanglement!

Some of us smile
Some of us chuckle
A chuckle that does not come from deep within
But when you laugh it’s from the depth of your heart
It’s unrestrained
It’s as if you’ve left your problems behind

I do laugh from the depth of my heart
Not because I have no cares or I’ve had none
I laugh from deep within, because I have overcome
Overcome sadness and loneliness
Overcome self-imposed isolation
Overcome pain and sorrow
Overcome anxiety and depression

I laugh out loud
Because I have cried
I laugh out loud
And this laughter is genuine
It’s not to show off
Not to stand out
Not to sadden others
Who may feel down

I hope my laughter can bring others joy
I hope my laughter is contagious!
I hope you will laugh with me
And soon others will also join in!

Lida Berghuis
December 31st, 2013

Words fail me!

When words fail me
When silence is all I hear
When emotions stop the flow of words
When I’m overwhelmed by what I feel
My smile hides my anxiety
My mask is back on me
I’m back in my actress mode
I pretend that nothing is wrong
When in fact I’m falling apart…

Lida Berghuis
July 24th, 2013

Normal or real?

Normal

“Normal is someone we don’t know well”
Goes the quote

We all have a public persona
And a private one
The public one gravitates to the norm
The private one is free and flawed
“Normal” is what we show on the outside
Flawed and real what we keep inside

Deep inside
We are all imperfect and insecure
We all have fears and anxiety
We all make mistakes
We all feel shame

Our public persona
Smiles and posts happy status updates
Our public persona
Smiles in all the pictures

Deep inside
We all have cried
Felt lost and hurt
Fallen flat on our faces
Lived where confusion reigns

Sometimes we live in a fantasy world
Where everything is supposed
To go well all the time
Where success comes easily
Where mistakes are frowned upon
Where heartache is to be avoided
Where pain is to be run from

But the real world
Is messy and seems unfair
In the real world
Darkness and light exist together
In the real world
Mistakes can lead to growth
In the real world
Normal is what we see
And reality resides within

Lida Berghuis
April 5th, 2012