I don’t remember….

Jan9

I start everyday fresh and new
Memories of days past are history

Ask me what I ate a few days ago
Or details of a book I read last week

Ask me to make meatloaf without a recipe
Ask me when my next dentist appointment is

To me, it’s all a mystery
My memory is like a sieve

No, it’s not old age or menopause
My poor memory goes to back to when I was young

Memorizing dates in history class, a torture
Remembering my students’’ name, an adventure

Once I had two students
Whose names I mixed up
And after that no matter how hard I tried
I could not reprogram my brain
The wrong names stayed in my head

My husband and kids are with a
Good memory blessed
Which makes me look worse
As you’ can guess

My poor memory has other downsides too
Forgetting how to get somewhere
Getting lost on the way back …
Misplacing an important document
Now, where did I actually file that?

But poor memory has an upside too
I get to start each day anew
Forget the sorrows of the past
Leave behind me what has passed

Yes, my poor memory gets me in trouble sometimes
But each day is brand new, a fresh start!

Lida Berghuis
January 8th, 2011

Hand writing

Jan6

Does anyone hand write anymore?
In the age of e-mail and
Electronic agendas
Do we take the time to write things out?

Even my doctor’s prescription
Comes typed in now
That may not be a bad thing though
Considering how some doctors write

Handwriting
So personal
So revealing in many ways
When I write in large strokes
You can see the energy and enthusiasm

When the letters are smaller
I may be feeling blue
When I write on a slant
I like that…
When I doodle and draw on the page
Another dimension I add

Sometimes I write so fast
That some letters are skipped
I’s are not dotted
And some letters merge

There is no spell check
And I may have to cross things out
But every page tells a tale
Unique, each line

Paper can get older and more fragile
Handwriting can fade
But isn’t that a mirror of our lives?
They also can become more valuable
Over time

And if my hard drive is wiped out
By accident or the back-up fails
My notebooks will still be there
I started keeping journals when I was twelve

First written in Persian
Then in a mix of English and Persian
Then in English mostly
First written in prose
And now in poetry

Paper and pen will always
Be my friends
Our friendship goes back to way back when!

Lida Berghuis
January 2nd, 2011

Bewildering Surrender

Jan1

Sell your questioning talents and buy
Bewildering surrender*

Surrender does not imply weakness
It’s a sign of humility
I finally realize how little I know
No matter how hard I try
To find the answers to the questions of life

And when I surrender, when I let go
Things hurt less
Certainty is deceiving
It carries with it a hint of pride

Our mind’s calibration of
What’s good and what’s not
Is oftentimes inaccurate*

From what we see as bad
Can bloom many flowers, fragrant
In what we see as good
We can drown and forget
What’s important

Bewildering surrender
Bewildering, because there is so much
That we cannot know fully in this life

Bewildering because
What we thought was black is white
And what we thought was here
To cause us grief
Gives us joy, eternal

Bewildering because
Surrender gives us wings
Acknowledging that we don’t know
And cannot know, gives us wisdom

Bewildered and astonished
I surrender to the Higher Power
That is compassionate
And knows all
I surrender to the school of life

I acknowledge that I don’t know
And so I surrender
To the Beauty of the One who does

Lida Berghuis
December 31st, 2010

* Rumi

God loves me a lot!

Dec31

I’ve come to the conclusion that
God loves me a lot!
He is sending me trial after trial!
No, I’m not being sarcastic
I mean it!
I think God loves me a lot!

The carpet cleaner
Beats the carpet
To take away the dust
The cook keeps the soup
On fire
Until everything is cooked and soft*

The beating and the fire
Are out of love
Hard to bear
But great the result*

I think God loves me a lot
Because not only have I
Experienced sorrow and pain
I have also known exhilarating joy!

Many blessings have come my way
Freedom to write and express myself
Freedom to believe my beliefs
Freedom to be me

I’ve also known the joy of
Friendship and love
And that by itself is worth so much!

Joy and sorrow
Two sides of a coin
One without the other impossible

Lida Berghuis
December 25th, 2010

*inspired by Rumi’s poetry

Beauty

Dec28

Please don’t tell me about the
Evolutionary roots of appreciating beauty
Don’t try to dissect it for me
I’m sure there are good scientific reasons
Why we are drawn to beauty
But I don’t want to know those, not me!

I want it to be a feeling
A feeling of bliss that overcomes me
When I look at beautiful art
A warm feeling and a smile
When I listen to someone playing guitar

Please, let’s not analyze beauty
Let’s not make it part of the
Evolutionary theory of life

I’d like our love of beauty
To be mysterious, yet obvious
And not by diagrams defined

Appreciating beauty may have
Something to do with our survival
As a species
But I’d like to think of it
As essential to the life of our spirit
That’s how I see it

Lida Berghuis
December 28th, 2010

A response to Denis Dutton’s
A Darwinian theory of beauty

I have to leave!

Dec24

 

Smash!
There goes my favorite vase!

Splash…
All the water spills out!

Splatter…
The flowers fall on the ground!

Scream!
Oh no!
That was my favorite vase!

Tears…
I’’m sorry I didn’’t mean to
I was just playing a pirate game

Anger!
I’ve told you many times
Not to play with the broom inside!

Sobs…
You have pushed me too far
I think I want to run out of the house!

Astonishmet!
Who should be angry right now?
The one whose vase is broken
Or the one who has done the crime!?

Mommy I told you, I didn’’t mean to
Mommy, I need to go
First though I’’ll pack my teddy bear
And some spare clothes
A flash light, some books and toys
And then I’’ll  leave
And stay outside
Maybe until it’s dark at night

And where do you plan to go
All by yourself?
Can you tell me that
Before you start on you adventure?

I’’ll be just down the road
In the second court
And when it gets dark
I’’ll come back home!
You just pushed me too far
This time
I have to leave
I must go right now!

Well, Tasha dear
I’’m sorry too
I did not mean to hurt you
What if we try a compromise?
Let us try this idea for size
What if you go out in the front of the house?
Stay out for a while and come back inside.

All right
I think I can do that
As long as you promise
Not to hurt me like that!

Lida Berghuis
March 28th, 2004
Tasha was 8 years old at this time.

The colours of my life

Dec23

Blue jello!
Blue roses
Blue sky
Blue is the colour of my life…

I turn my face
Heavenwards
I pray for the rain of healing to fall
I pray for brighter colours is my life

And my prayer is heard
Joy returns
Red and orange and yellow return
The flowers are enchanting
They perfume the air

Blue is part of life’s colour palate
Without it
Red and white don’t stand out
Blue is not how I want to feel
All the time
But sadness is part of life
It’s something I can’t run from

So, welcome sadness
Welcome joy
You are my friends
Forever more!

Lida Berghuis
March 23rd, 2006

We survive…

Dec19

It’s as if from a nightmare
I have woken up
It’s as if yesterday
Did not exist
It’s as if I am
Someone else
Or back to the person
I used to be

Colours are brighter
Today
Life has meaning
Again
It’s as if the fog has lifted once more
And it’s spring in my heart again

How does one change
So dramatically?
Where do the ups and downs of life
Come from?
Why can I smile today
Whereas before
Frowns carved lines on my forehead
And brow

Why does music entrance me once more?
Why does writing bring me joy?
Why does the world seem full of possibilities?
Why do ideas come to me?

Winter in my heart
Makes me appreciate spring
Winter in my soul
Brought me to the brink
But we endure
We do survive
Even though it seems
Impossible at times

Lida Brghuis
May 6th, 2007

Changing moods

Dec18

When everything takes so much effort
To make a phone call
Or go out the door
When I’’m not sure what to look forward to
Or  how to enjoy the things that I do

When I can’’t laugh at the funny things
In life
When I look in the mirror
And see a frown

When creativity says goodbye
When anxiety is all around
When I forget how it feels to be relaxed
When enthusiasm is a thing of the past

This is when I know
That darkness has come
There is a shadow
Over my life

And no matter how hard I try
And no matter what I do
I can’’t step out of the shadow

Once in a while I see a glimpse of light
But it does not last for long
Darkness is what dominates
The sun seems so long gone

I tell myself things must get better
But even hope is hard to come by
My patience is tested one more time
When will the darkness be finally gone?

I pray and entreat the heavens above
I pray for the rain of healing to fall
I must be patient I tell myself
But for how long? For how long?

And after it seems like I can’’tvtake it any more
And after having said prayers for what seems like a million times
Something begins to change in me
And I wonder if the feeling is real

The world is suddenly brighter
I can see why others laugh and play
I can hear myself laugh again
And feel the pleasure and joy again

Life seems meaningful once more
There are projects to do
Things to plan,
And places to go

A sense of calm comes over me
Anxiety begins to leave
Challenges don’’t seem insurmountable
And as suddenly as the darkness came
It begins to fade awayIMG_7283

Lida Berghuis
November 19th, 2005

My place of calm

Dec17

Where do you go when you want to get away from it all?
Where do you go when you need a break?
Where do you go when you feel rushed?

Or feel out of sorts somehow?

My refuge is my writing spot
Which happens to be in a coffee shop
I sit in the window, take my time
Read, contemplate and write

Here, no one wants anything from me
Here, I’’m not responsible for anything
I don’’t see the dishes that need to be done
Or the bills and forms that must be filled out

This is my oasis, my place of calm
My pen gives me wings to fly
With it I can go anywhere
Stay close or go far away

With it I can dream or problem solve
I can try to figure things out
With it, I can colour my world
With vibrant colours, orange and gold

Thankful for this short respite
I’’m then ready to go on
My responsibilities are waiting for me
But so is my oasis

Lida Berghuis
December 9th, 2010