“You’ve got to let people know if their words hurt you
Staying silent at such times
When emotions churn like torrents in your heart
Is not a good thing!”

Apparently this is called being passive
And I know that it’s not a good thing
In fact, it’s a problematic thing!

The problem with being passive
Is that I pretend to be fine
But I’m anything but fine!

The problem with being passive
Is that I smile
But in reality, I’m ready to cry!

The problem with being passive
Is that I feel powerless
Attacked, yet unable to respond
I don’t want to attack back, just respond
I wear the mask of indifference or being content
But under the mask, I’m boiling mad!

The problem is that this takes me back to when I was a child
And I could not communicate my needs and wants
I sometimes felt powerless back then too, but didn’t even know what was wrong

So, what am I to do now
When I know more than I did before
I just need to feel strong enough
To speak up!
To let someone know I’m not feeling fine
That I feel angry and hurt
That I’m a sensitive soul
And sometimes feel too much!

This is a work in progress for me
I’m much better than I used to be
Most times, I can speak up and speak my mind
I can respond if I feel criticised and feel that
There is more to the story, and we need to talk

But sometimes still
When something comes out of the left field
When I don’t expect it
I can still be taken aback
Be silenced into submission
Feel powerless
Feel wronged!

And that’s OK too
Because life is a school of sorts
Learning never really ends
One does not attain perfection!
One is always a work in progress!

So, I try to learn from my experience and move on
I’m sure I’ll be tested one more time
And then I can show what I’ve learned
And what I still need to work on!

Lida Berghuis
September 16th, 2014